Comfort zone breach

Today I had a less than pleasant exchange with someone in another office. It wasn't necessarily bad, but I am pretty sure that I sounded a bit annoyed. I also pushed back on something, which is not something I do on a regular basis. However, the edit this person wanted to make just did not make sense to me. I believe some sort of compromise was reached. Then several questions came, and I doubt I truly answered them. I do not think I said anything incorrect, but I was just feeling tired and sick of this project, so I probably just rambled a bit. After I got off the phone I felt like shit. I don't think there's a reason for me to have felt that bad, but that doesn't change the fact that I felt sick after. I also got all teary. Normally I tell my boss about this stuff. I think I may wait at least until tomorrow. Or maybe I'll send an email update. I'm concerned that I would get strangely emotional discussing it. And that is not something I want happening at all.

I do not know why I felt so upset after. I've been incredibly tired today, which is definitely a contributing factor. The thing is though that I think it is more related to my comfort levels. I'm not comfortable pushing back on something or telling someone they are wrong. I also tend to shut down if I don't think what I am saying is being heard. Usually, this stuff is annoying, but not a huge problem. Today it felt much worse though because I was speaking for my office. I had to explain things about the program and even though I think I'm right, it doesn't change the fact that I was nervous. I'm sure it could have been handled in a better way, but I think I was right to push back. The other stuff may have been a bit peripheral to what was being asked, but oh well.

After a while I decided to send a follow-up email. It just included a couple pieces of clarifying information. It may not have been necessary, or may have reminded the person of something unpleasant, but sending it made me feel better. I now feel a bit more confident about the situation moving forward.

I'll see how it goes though. All I know at this moment is I am very happy to go home now.

Peanut Butter and Chocolate...mmmm

So I've been shitty about posting. I was busy running around with my dad in the snow, cheering on the Saints, avoiding more snow, and then making a snowbunny with the fabulous Jane. I also had almost a week off of work because of the crazy snow we got- so my schedule has been pretty much fucked. I really will try to post more regularly, since I know my one reader likes my updates. Ha. And because it is a good tool for me to get out some of the stuff always rushing through my head.

Anyway, tomorrow is the anniversary of President Obama signing the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA) of 2009. ARRA is the reason I have my job, and it pretty much takes up 75% of my time. In celebration, I decided to bake these peanut butter chocolate pillows for my office. I also decided I definitely need both Vegan Cookies Invade Your Cookie Jar (which I believe includes the cookies I baked) and Vegan Brunch (which I think includes the Pumpkin French Toast that I am dying to make) . Maybe I'll try to make it when my best friend visits in a couple weeks.

My office is going to think I'm a bit of a freak for celebrating ARRA, but really I like the excuse to bake and I think the Recovery Act is pretty great. I think I may offer one to IT guy too. He does do a shitload of ARRA work- it's why we work together at all- so if he likes peanut butter and chocolate, he may like the cookies as a bit of a reward. And if he doesn't like peanut butter and chocolate, I will realize all is lost- because I simply cannot understand not liking those things together. It's like refusing to drink coffee.

Happy Friday!

It's Friday afternoon, and I have a break from my phone ringing and since I hadn't posted in a week, I thought I'd post some more thoughts.

This week has been fair. Work has been busy, and I have been a bit crabby with people. As I've lamented many times, when I have to be very nice to a lot of people over a short amount of time, I lose my other abilities to function socially. I am short with people. I can't really complete sentences, and I lack attention span. If I had cramps, it would be like being on my period. Luckily, these reporting periods only last a couple of weeks every quarter, and will eventually end completely. Until then, I just hope that I get to speak to IT guy at least once a day. He makes me smile, even if he flirts with everyone. It's kind of hard to get tired of hearing a cute guy say "I'm better now that I'm talking to you." I'm sure he says it to everyone, but I can pretend it's only me.

I have still been good about the cooking. It has become more routine to get home and make something or to pack lunch in the morning.

(Note: While writing the above sentence, IT guy called. It was lovely. We chatted about beer and other drinks, new DC bars/restaurants, and working out. I very much enjoyed the moment when I saw it was him on my caller ID and not another confused grantee).

I've pretty much decided to cook/eat vegan at home and then be less limited if I am eating out. I think this is a good way of both balancing the foods I eat and ensuring that I limit my intake of dairy and meat without too much difficulty. Also, I have felt better recently than I have in a long time, so I think that something is working for me. I figure I should continue with it until something changes.

I went to the gym yesterday and will go again today, but haven't been great about exercise this week. Part of the problem is just being tired. The other is that I got my new tattoo on Monday, and it is on my lower left ribs and a bit onto my stomach and is still a bit sore. When I use my abs to much, it hurts- even while dancing! It's doing better today, though I think that it will start itching soon. No fun, but the tattoo is beautiful, so it's ok. (I'll post some pictures when it has healed.)

My goals for the weekend are to grocery shop, cook, and go through my clothes. I'm hoping to book a zipcar so that I can donate my clothes right away. It would free up an incredible amount of space in my apartment. Also, I need to clean my kitchen.

I also plan on sleeping. A lot.

Up hill both ways, but not in the snow

My legs are all tingly from a lot of walking, and I could probably fall asleep right now (at 7:15pm). I walked about 6 miles today, with at least 3 miles uphill. The weather was perfect! It feels great, but I am tired. I also went to the gym after work Thursday and yesterday and had Pilates earlier. I guess I've been making up for lack of exercise at the beginning of the week. It's also really helped me relax, especially my workout yesterday. The workday was very long and stressful, like the rest of the week, and all I wanted to do when I got out was go to the gym. It was kind of a strange feeling as I've never been like a gym rat or anything, but I just knew it would help me work off all the built up stress and annoyance. Pushing myself for 45 minutes on the Elliptical did a lot to get out the aggression that built up from being nice to people with their stupid questions instead of saying " just file the fucking report" or "how many fucking times do I have to fucking explain this?". The fact that the gym is free and in my office building makes it that much more attractive. There is not time to decide I should just go home since I just walk down 4 flights of stairs.

It's interesting the way healthy behaviors in one area of life can creep into others. I definitely think my desire to get to the gym is connected to the fact that I have been eating really well. In the last 2 weeks, I only ate out 3 times. I think that is crazy and amazing. It makes me really proud of myself for sticking to what I want to change this year. Also, I'm surprised at my resourcefulness when it comes to cooking. For example, I decided to make Hoppin' John Salad for dinner the other night, but realized that I had bought pork flavored black eyed peas (yes, pork). Of course, I didn't want to eat them since I'm trying hard to at least at home stick to vegan (and they are pork flavored). I decided to just use some garbanzo beans instead. I know it seems so basic to just replace one ingredient with a comparable one, but for me it was a bit of a revelation. I can see my former self being frustrated and not bothering. Another example, yesterday I didn't want to go to the grocery store and couldn't decide what to do for dinner. After looking in my fridge for a minute, I decided on a salad. I cooked and cut up a veggie burger patty added it to some spinach, threw in some dried cranberries and drizzled the homemade dressing I made for my salad last week. It was delicious and simple. And I put it together all on my own in like 2 minutes. Again, it's something most people could do without thinking about it or patting themselves on their backs, but it's still something new for me.

In other exciting news, the waist in my jeans is feeling loose. I think they are mostly just stretched out, but any seeming result adds to my motivation. Though at this moment, motivation to leave my house is very low.

Wednesday Night Rambling

Work has been rather stressful this week. Mostly because people do not follow directions or think. I am happy to help people with difficult issues; however, out of the many calls and emails I have received, only one was a question that required me to think instead of refer someone to an email that I sent just the other day. By the end of today, I had a wicked headache and my stomach was upset. I decided not to go to the gym. I am happy that I decided not to because I think taking care of myself also means knowing when not to push my body too hard. Plus, I was productive tonight. I picked up my dry cleaning, went grocery shopping, and baked vegan chocolate cupcakes with vegan cream cheese frosting (from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World) for my co-worker's birthday tomorrow. And, I even did all the dishes after finishing the cupcakes. That is something very new for me.

It feels kind of stupid to be rambling on about my day after what happened in Haiti (and what happens around the world on a daily basis). One of my favorite professors in graduate school is Haitian and did a lot of work there with the World Bank. I'm hoping that since the semester has started, he was not down there. I've donated to Red Cross and will be giving to Doctors Without Borders. I'm not much of a pray-er, but sometimes it feels right to do that too.

Apparently, I won't starve when left to my own devices.

At this moment, I am eating a spinach salad right out of a big salad bowl. Transferring it to a more appropriate bowl just seemed silly. Plus, I am hungry. (I'd also like to point out that I even made the dressing, including toasting the sesame seeds. Who am I?)

This salad marks the 12th straight meal that I have made (and I mean made, not frozen meals) at home- though my Pilates instructor didn't accept the celery and peanut butter I had for dinner last night as a meal. He's right though, it was just supposed to be a snack, but I fell asleep before I got around to wanting dinner. Either way, this is likely a record for me. I used to eat out a lot. Not being able to cook was kind of part of my shtick, like being messy or always late. Things I was never super proud of, but because they just seemed destined to be a part of me, I decided to accept them rather than feel bad about it. The idea that I could change it never really seemed possible. It became my default, so to speak. However, I've really enjoyed cooking for myself. I'm pleasantly surprised by how good all the food is and needing to cut back recipes works my division skills. This morning I even made pancakes for the first time (yes, I'm 26). Not sure how I feel about the buckwheat flour, but it is fun trying new things.

I have felt much better since Tuesday's unpleasantness. Work was good, frustrating because of people who refuse to listen and/or learn before asking questions in very long meetings in rooms without windows, but still good. I felt productive, though a bit tired. I also made it on-time everyday. I even stayed late on Thursday, and Friday made it to the little fitness center in my office building. Working out after work makes it a lot easier to leave when it is dark. I think it's because then I don't feel like all I did that day was work. I also just really enjoy working out.

Ok. Well now that the eating is on a positive track- though still a day at a time venture (and honestly at times a meal at a time thing) , I am going to start on my plan of attack for my apartment. It's really all too exciting!

A New Day

Today was a lot better. Made it on time. Had a good one-on-one with my boss where I told him I didn't have quite enough work to keep me busy. He said we would be starting a policy scan soon (sexy!) and that would provide plenty of work. I'm really excited.

I think a few things contributed to today being better. One is I put my outfit out the night before so I couldn't use outfit planning as an excuse to stay in bed longer or searching for clothes to take up precious getting ready time. Two I was excited about making my breakfast. Often I don't want to get up because I'm hungry but have no food, but last night I made two trips to the grocery stores in my neighborhood and in addition to cooking my favorite potato, veggie chili, and broccoli for dinner, I made a couscous salad for lunch today. And for breakfast I made apple cinnamon oatmeal. It was easy, delicious, and filling. Lastly, I was determined to be on time so I didn't bother to straighten my hair. Sometimes I will know that I am running late but still do things that are unnecessary. Today I was good and skipped that kind of stuff.

I'm also proud that I did not buy any food today. I bought my morning coffee- I haven't set up my new coffee maker yet- and a chai later in the afternoon, but all the food has been homemade. And vegan. I don't plan on going permanently vegan (unless I notice something really different about the way my body functions), but Robin posted this 21-Day Vegan Kickstart that seemed like a good thing to try. The foods are nutritious and low calorie, and most important for me, pretty easy to make. I'm not following it exactly, and will likely break the vegan rule a few times (especially with Restaurant Week next week), but I have decided to focus on each day. Today I feel great. I had left over couscous and kale for dinner (I think that may be the first time I've had kale) and am going to make a fruit smoothie for dessert. Tomorrow I'll have cinnamon-raisin oatmeal and bring some soup for lunch. And I'll aim to be happy with accomplishing that tomorrow. To be happy with each little accomplishment- even if to most people it's pretty basic stuff.

I'm trying hard to not think about my weight. When I lost weight before, I think it's because I wasn't paying attention to the numbers on the scale. I was focusing more on how I felt physically. As I ate less and healthier, I just felt better. Then my clothes got too big, and I realized that there were a lot of benefits to eating better. I'm trying to get back to that mentality. I want to be healthy. If I eat healthy and exercise and don't really lose weight, I think I will be ok with that because I know that I am taking care of myself. I'm not sure how I could not lose weight, but I will try not to worry about that right now.

I'm enjoying this writing, but it kind of makes me feel like the stuff that comes out of my head is either very dramatic (cry under the covers!) or boring (here is what I ate today!). Oh well. Time to enjoy my smoothie and pick out an outfit for tomorrow. I get to see IT Guy so this will take a while.

On being late to work

Today I could not get up. I was tired. I didn't know what to wear, a daily struggle made more complicated by the cold. I wanted to call in sick, which is really outrageous considering I just got back to work after a three day weekend. In fact, I haven't worked a full five day week in almost a month thanks to PMF Orientation, snow storms, Christmas, El Paso, and New Year's Day. You'd think I'd be rested and ready to go. I'm the opposite. I'm lethargic. I want to lay in bed, or drink coffee and read, or do pretty much anything other than sit in my cubicle dreading when the phone rings with a less than intelligent question.

I feel ridiculous. Here I am with a great job, and I am whining about getting up in the morning. I thought this would be easier once I had a job I liked. Not wanting to get up made sense when I hated being the sales bitch. Now I don't get it. Could I really be so incapable of working a 9-to-5? What makes me different/special? People do this all the time. They even make it to work on time to jobs they hate.

I missed a meeting this morning. It was unscheduled, but it took place after I should have been here. It was over the thing that my work focuses on. My boss came by after to discuss it. He didn't seem upset. He's not like that. But I did feel bad. Really bad. And disrespectful. I have a great boss. I am not trying to take advantage of that fact or the fact that we don't clock in or that no one really tracks our hours. Of course, I don't say these things. I'm scared I'll cry or open the door for other criticisms. I am good at my job, which is why I think my tardiness is not brought up. It's not an excuse though. I want to be the person that gets to work on time. I can't just float around. It would be one thing if I didn't care. If the extra sleep actually helped me feel better and get through the day. However, that is not the case. Actually, I feel terrible. Sick to my stomach, want to breakdown and eat a box of cookies while hiding under the covers terrible.

So 5 days into the New Year I'm struggling with my get to work on time resolution, but I am also reminded of the reason why I made the resolution. I will make sure tomorrow is different.