Change of Plans

It has stopped snowing. I think it probably stopped sometime last night, but because of the cold, things are still icy. Jane and I decided not to make the trip to Goodwill today since the roads could be bad. Plus, the idea of having to dig out the Zipcar wasn't exactly fun. We are going to go next weekend.

Jane and I have had a variety of Zipcar misadventures, that have often occured thanks to me ignoring bad weather. We've driven to Nissan Pavillion to see Radiohead in the pouring rain and drove to Ikea in the pouring rain a few weekends after the Radiohead show. It was the same trip to Ikea that ended with us stuck on the East-West Highway with a broken car. It was not exactly fun, so I decided to be cautious today. Plus, I'm not completely done going through my maybe pile, so I may have additional stuff to donate.

I am still planning on going to Target, just not buying some of the bigger things I had originally planned, and grocery shopping. Good Sunday type things to do.

For breakfast today, I made Fruited Breakfast Quinoa. It was my first time cooking with Quinoa, and only my second time eating it. The final product was a little odd, and because of the pureeing didn't exactly look appetizing. However, I did enjoy it for the most part. The texture though means I don't think I would eat it very regularly. I think I will stick to my oatmeal.

Sooo...

Apparently, it's going to take a little more motivation to get myself to write everyday. I often think of things to post, but then just don't bother. I will work on this.

It has been snowing for the last 9 hours and doesn't seem like it will stop anytime soon. We are expected to get between 4 and 6 inches. I'm not sure how many we already have, but it is pretty to watch. Not so pretty to stumble through, though. I had to go to Pilates this morning. Luckily, I don't live far from the Metro and the Pilates studio isn't too far from the Dupont Metro. Still felt like forever though. I can deal with snow ok, but it is also super cold. I was very happy to make it back to my very warm apartment. I haven't been back out. I may run to CVS (hopefully it's open), but luckily, I have a lot of toilet paper and soy/almond/rice milk to tide me over. Ha. I did see several people carrying plastic CVS bags with toilet paper earlier today. Totally fit the stereotype of how DC residents react to snow. It was also the most plastic bags I've seen since the District implemented the 5 cent bag fee. Wonder if people were doing unplanned shopping or if it's normal for a Saturday. On a side note about the bag fee, I never thought saving a nickel would motivate me to do just about anything, but I have been much better about bringing my own bags since it went into effect. I was usually good before, but I often got sucked into the grocery store between the Metro and my apartment and rarely had bags with me. Now, I carry my grocery bags to work if I plan on shopping after, or I usually have an extra plastic bag from my lunch to reuse if I have to pick-up a couple things. I think I'm more motivated by the signal sent by the bag fee (plastic bags are bad for the river), than by the actual bag fee.

Anyway, I have been productive today. I did some dishes, but I have spent most of the day sorting through my clothes and packing up clothes to take to Goodwill tomorrow. I cannot believe how much clothing I have. I don't even know how I accumulated that much stuff. I got rid of almost everything when I lost weight, so that means most of the clothes have appeared in the last 3 years- not counting most of my Betsey Johnson dresses. I've never been able to get rid of those. But I think I am going to try to sell a couple of them on eBay. One I wore for my college graduation dinner and is way too big for me. I had originally planned to have it altered, but I realize that I do not know when I would wear a multi-colored pastel party dress. Another dress I wore to my high school band banquet senior year. It is tight and tiny, and I'm not sure how I ever fit in it. Even when I get to my goal weight, I do not think it would work for me. If they don't sell, then I'll donate them, but they were expensive dresses and worn once each, so I figure it's worth trying to make a few dollars. Maybe I'll donate the money.

I need to get back to putting away the clothes I want to keep- which is still an insanely high pile of stuff- but I'm a little unmotivated. Perhaps now is the time to run to CVS. I will get the clothes put away before I make my big salad, have a glass of wine, and watch Arrested Development or some sort of movie. Lovely Saturday night.

Asking questions

I'm feeling a little blah this morning. The past few days I've gotten a bit off track. Not in that I've been really eating poorly or going back on my cooking plans, but rather not being as mindful as I should. I could feel a difference in my body this morning. It was a somewhat unpleasant reminder that 2 weeks of doing well is not enough, that I need to think about it every time I eat or whenever I decide not to do some sort of exercise. I need to ask myself "How will this make you feel?" or "How will this impact your goals?". I think these questions are a good way to quickly adjust my head when I start to feel like I'm losing my focus. Also, writing on this thing does help, especially when I describe the things I've eaten and the work I put into them. It's a good accountability tool so I am going to work to put in one entry a day. I eat everyday. I am in my apartment thinking about cleaning everyday. May as well write about it.

Happy Friday!

It's Friday afternoon, and I have a break from my phone ringing and since I hadn't posted in a week, I thought I'd post some more thoughts.

This week has been fair. Work has been busy, and I have been a bit crabby with people. As I've lamented many times, when I have to be very nice to a lot of people over a short amount of time, I lose my other abilities to function socially. I am short with people. I can't really complete sentences, and I lack attention span. If I had cramps, it would be like being on my period. Luckily, these reporting periods only last a couple of weeks every quarter, and will eventually end completely. Until then, I just hope that I get to speak to IT guy at least once a day. He makes me smile, even if he flirts with everyone. It's kind of hard to get tired of hearing a cute guy say "I'm better now that I'm talking to you." I'm sure he says it to everyone, but I can pretend it's only me.

I have still been good about the cooking. It has become more routine to get home and make something or to pack lunch in the morning.

(Note: While writing the above sentence, IT guy called. It was lovely. We chatted about beer and other drinks, new DC bars/restaurants, and working out. I very much enjoyed the moment when I saw it was him on my caller ID and not another confused grantee).

I've pretty much decided to cook/eat vegan at home and then be less limited if I am eating out. I think this is a good way of both balancing the foods I eat and ensuring that I limit my intake of dairy and meat without too much difficulty. Also, I have felt better recently than I have in a long time, so I think that something is working for me. I figure I should continue with it until something changes.

I went to the gym yesterday and will go again today, but haven't been great about exercise this week. Part of the problem is just being tired. The other is that I got my new tattoo on Monday, and it is on my lower left ribs and a bit onto my stomach and is still a bit sore. When I use my abs to much, it hurts- even while dancing! It's doing better today, though I think that it will start itching soon. No fun, but the tattoo is beautiful, so it's ok. (I'll post some pictures when it has healed.)

My goals for the weekend are to grocery shop, cook, and go through my clothes. I'm hoping to book a zipcar so that I can donate my clothes right away. It would free up an incredible amount of space in my apartment. Also, I need to clean my kitchen.

I also plan on sleeping. A lot.

Up hill both ways, but not in the snow

My legs are all tingly from a lot of walking, and I could probably fall asleep right now (at 7:15pm). I walked about 6 miles today, with at least 3 miles uphill. The weather was perfect! It feels great, but I am tired. I also went to the gym after work Thursday and yesterday and had Pilates earlier. I guess I've been making up for lack of exercise at the beginning of the week. It's also really helped me relax, especially my workout yesterday. The workday was very long and stressful, like the rest of the week, and all I wanted to do when I got out was go to the gym. It was kind of a strange feeling as I've never been like a gym rat or anything, but I just knew it would help me work off all the built up stress and annoyance. Pushing myself for 45 minutes on the Elliptical did a lot to get out the aggression that built up from being nice to people with their stupid questions instead of saying " just file the fucking report" or "how many fucking times do I have to fucking explain this?". The fact that the gym is free and in my office building makes it that much more attractive. There is not time to decide I should just go home since I just walk down 4 flights of stairs.

It's interesting the way healthy behaviors in one area of life can creep into others. I definitely think my desire to get to the gym is connected to the fact that I have been eating really well. In the last 2 weeks, I only ate out 3 times. I think that is crazy and amazing. It makes me really proud of myself for sticking to what I want to change this year. Also, I'm surprised at my resourcefulness when it comes to cooking. For example, I decided to make Hoppin' John Salad for dinner the other night, but realized that I had bought pork flavored black eyed peas (yes, pork). Of course, I didn't want to eat them since I'm trying hard to at least at home stick to vegan (and they are pork flavored). I decided to just use some garbanzo beans instead. I know it seems so basic to just replace one ingredient with a comparable one, but for me it was a bit of a revelation. I can see my former self being frustrated and not bothering. Another example, yesterday I didn't want to go to the grocery store and couldn't decide what to do for dinner. After looking in my fridge for a minute, I decided on a salad. I cooked and cut up a veggie burger patty added it to some spinach, threw in some dried cranberries and drizzled the homemade dressing I made for my salad last week. It was delicious and simple. And I put it together all on my own in like 2 minutes. Again, it's something most people could do without thinking about it or patting themselves on their backs, but it's still something new for me.

In other exciting news, the waist in my jeans is feeling loose. I think they are mostly just stretched out, but any seeming result adds to my motivation. Though at this moment, motivation to leave my house is very low.

Wednesday Night Rambling

Work has been rather stressful this week. Mostly because people do not follow directions or think. I am happy to help people with difficult issues; however, out of the many calls and emails I have received, only one was a question that required me to think instead of refer someone to an email that I sent just the other day. By the end of today, I had a wicked headache and my stomach was upset. I decided not to go to the gym. I am happy that I decided not to because I think taking care of myself also means knowing when not to push my body too hard. Plus, I was productive tonight. I picked up my dry cleaning, went grocery shopping, and baked vegan chocolate cupcakes with vegan cream cheese frosting (from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World) for my co-worker's birthday tomorrow. And, I even did all the dishes after finishing the cupcakes. That is something very new for me.

It feels kind of stupid to be rambling on about my day after what happened in Haiti (and what happens around the world on a daily basis). One of my favorite professors in graduate school is Haitian and did a lot of work there with the World Bank. I'm hoping that since the semester has started, he was not down there. I've donated to Red Cross and will be giving to Doctors Without Borders. I'm not much of a pray-er, but sometimes it feels right to do that too.

Pin-Up Girl

(Note: Upon completing this post I realized that I used the words wicked, awesome, and rad in a matter of 3 paragraphs. You've been warned.)

I love pin-up pictures, especially ones that feature women that do not fit the traditional definition of beauty (tattoos, dreads, hips), so when I stumbled upon Atomic Cheesecake Studios, I was wicked excited. She is based in Baltimore (not too far away from DC) and takes awesome pictures, and all the packages include hair, make-up, and outfits. I've been thinking about doing it since the moment I came across the website (circa May 2008), but have put it off for a variety of reasons, mostly related to my weight. I figure if I'm going to spend the money on cool professional photographs I should look my best. Also, I wanted a few more tattoos for the photo.

I don't know what reminded me of the pictures today, but whatever it was gave me an excellent idea/goal: getting the pictures done will be my birthday (May 18) present to myself. (I may not be great at taking care of myself, but I do always get myself birthday and Christmas gifts). Appointments are only during weekdays, and I was planning on taking the Monday before my birthday off anyway, so I think it is perfect timing. This gives me about 4 months to get to a point where I am comfortable and happy with my body. I believe that is completely do-able. I mean that's like 4 pounds a month if you break it down that way. And if the "experts" say you should only lose 1-2lbs a week, then it is perfect.

I think having this goal will definitely help me with my resolution. Having something to work towards always makes things easier- especially when it is something totally rad.

Plus, I'll have another tattoo (or 2) by then :)

Apparently, I won't starve when left to my own devices.

At this moment, I am eating a spinach salad right out of a big salad bowl. Transferring it to a more appropriate bowl just seemed silly. Plus, I am hungry. (I'd also like to point out that I even made the dressing, including toasting the sesame seeds. Who am I?)

This salad marks the 12th straight meal that I have made (and I mean made, not frozen meals) at home- though my Pilates instructor didn't accept the celery and peanut butter I had for dinner last night as a meal. He's right though, it was just supposed to be a snack, but I fell asleep before I got around to wanting dinner. Either way, this is likely a record for me. I used to eat out a lot. Not being able to cook was kind of part of my shtick, like being messy or always late. Things I was never super proud of, but because they just seemed destined to be a part of me, I decided to accept them rather than feel bad about it. The idea that I could change it never really seemed possible. It became my default, so to speak. However, I've really enjoyed cooking for myself. I'm pleasantly surprised by how good all the food is and needing to cut back recipes works my division skills. This morning I even made pancakes for the first time (yes, I'm 26). Not sure how I feel about the buckwheat flour, but it is fun trying new things.

I have felt much better since Tuesday's unpleasantness. Work was good, frustrating because of people who refuse to listen and/or learn before asking questions in very long meetings in rooms without windows, but still good. I felt productive, though a bit tired. I also made it on-time everyday. I even stayed late on Thursday, and Friday made it to the little fitness center in my office building. Working out after work makes it a lot easier to leave when it is dark. I think it's because then I don't feel like all I did that day was work. I also just really enjoy working out.

Ok. Well now that the eating is on a positive track- though still a day at a time venture (and honestly at times a meal at a time thing) , I am going to start on my plan of attack for my apartment. It's really all too exciting!

A New Day

Today was a lot better. Made it on time. Had a good one-on-one with my boss where I told him I didn't have quite enough work to keep me busy. He said we would be starting a policy scan soon (sexy!) and that would provide plenty of work. I'm really excited.

I think a few things contributed to today being better. One is I put my outfit out the night before so I couldn't use outfit planning as an excuse to stay in bed longer or searching for clothes to take up precious getting ready time. Two I was excited about making my breakfast. Often I don't want to get up because I'm hungry but have no food, but last night I made two trips to the grocery stores in my neighborhood and in addition to cooking my favorite potato, veggie chili, and broccoli for dinner, I made a couscous salad for lunch today. And for breakfast I made apple cinnamon oatmeal. It was easy, delicious, and filling. Lastly, I was determined to be on time so I didn't bother to straighten my hair. Sometimes I will know that I am running late but still do things that are unnecessary. Today I was good and skipped that kind of stuff.

I'm also proud that I did not buy any food today. I bought my morning coffee- I haven't set up my new coffee maker yet- and a chai later in the afternoon, but all the food has been homemade. And vegan. I don't plan on going permanently vegan (unless I notice something really different about the way my body functions), but Robin posted this 21-Day Vegan Kickstart that seemed like a good thing to try. The foods are nutritious and low calorie, and most important for me, pretty easy to make. I'm not following it exactly, and will likely break the vegan rule a few times (especially with Restaurant Week next week), but I have decided to focus on each day. Today I feel great. I had left over couscous and kale for dinner (I think that may be the first time I've had kale) and am going to make a fruit smoothie for dessert. Tomorrow I'll have cinnamon-raisin oatmeal and bring some soup for lunch. And I'll aim to be happy with accomplishing that tomorrow. To be happy with each little accomplishment- even if to most people it's pretty basic stuff.

I'm trying hard to not think about my weight. When I lost weight before, I think it's because I wasn't paying attention to the numbers on the scale. I was focusing more on how I felt physically. As I ate less and healthier, I just felt better. Then my clothes got too big, and I realized that there were a lot of benefits to eating better. I'm trying to get back to that mentality. I want to be healthy. If I eat healthy and exercise and don't really lose weight, I think I will be ok with that because I know that I am taking care of myself. I'm not sure how I could not lose weight, but I will try not to worry about that right now.

I'm enjoying this writing, but it kind of makes me feel like the stuff that comes out of my head is either very dramatic (cry under the covers!) or boring (here is what I ate today!). Oh well. Time to enjoy my smoothie and pick out an outfit for tomorrow. I get to see IT Guy so this will take a while.

On being late to work

Today I could not get up. I was tired. I didn't know what to wear, a daily struggle made more complicated by the cold. I wanted to call in sick, which is really outrageous considering I just got back to work after a three day weekend. In fact, I haven't worked a full five day week in almost a month thanks to PMF Orientation, snow storms, Christmas, El Paso, and New Year's Day. You'd think I'd be rested and ready to go. I'm the opposite. I'm lethargic. I want to lay in bed, or drink coffee and read, or do pretty much anything other than sit in my cubicle dreading when the phone rings with a less than intelligent question.

I feel ridiculous. Here I am with a great job, and I am whining about getting up in the morning. I thought this would be easier once I had a job I liked. Not wanting to get up made sense when I hated being the sales bitch. Now I don't get it. Could I really be so incapable of working a 9-to-5? What makes me different/special? People do this all the time. They even make it to work on time to jobs they hate.

I missed a meeting this morning. It was unscheduled, but it took place after I should have been here. It was over the thing that my work focuses on. My boss came by after to discuss it. He didn't seem upset. He's not like that. But I did feel bad. Really bad. And disrespectful. I have a great boss. I am not trying to take advantage of that fact or the fact that we don't clock in or that no one really tracks our hours. Of course, I don't say these things. I'm scared I'll cry or open the door for other criticisms. I am good at my job, which is why I think my tardiness is not brought up. It's not an excuse though. I want to be the person that gets to work on time. I can't just float around. It would be one thing if I didn't care. If the extra sleep actually helped me feel better and get through the day. However, that is not the case. Actually, I feel terrible. Sick to my stomach, want to breakdown and eat a box of cookies while hiding under the covers terrible.

So 5 days into the New Year I'm struggling with my get to work on time resolution, but I am also reminded of the reason why I made the resolution. I will make sure tomorrow is different.

Hhmm...stuck at the starting line

I spent most of yesterday recovering from a fun night out celebrating the beginning of 2010. I did eventually get out on a date with someone I hadn't seen in over a year. Then I came home, bought and ate some junk from CVS, and watched random stuff on the tv. Not exactly how I pictured my 2010 to start out. However, I did end the day watching CSPAN do interviews with Justice Sotomayor and retired Justice O'Connor. It made me feel a little less like a blob of nothing.

Today hasn't been a whole lot more productive. I ate a pumpkin muffin and some macaroni and cheese, read and drank some coffee at Firehook, and did a bit of cleaning and dishes. Much better than yesterday, but still very 2009. I need to sit down and plan better for how I am going to approach all of this. Desire for success and change only goes so far when fighting with so much ingrained bad behavior. I think Sundays are good for that kind of stuff, so I'm going to be lazy and put it off until tomorrow.

In an effort to preserve it forever, I am posting the email we received after the very fun NYE party we attended descended in chaos.

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To All Those Who Attended the 20s & 30s New Year’s Eve Gala:

Well…where to begin. I think everyone can agree that we had a phenomenal time last night until being thrown out of the Harman Center at 12:45am. The décor was great, the music was rippin, and the vibe was joyous at midnight. Unfortunately, starting at about 12:15am, these good times unfolded in the span of 30 mins. And I think everyone deserves an explanation as to why, and how, things unraveled last night.

At approximately 12:15am an ambulance had to be called for a person who was presumably over-intoxicated, and non-responsive to attentive care. Then about 5 minutes later, the incident repeated itself, and another ambulance had to be called for a different person....also presumably over-intoxicated. The fact that the level of alcohol consumption had reached this level made JT and I, the caterer, and the venue very nervous…and we needed to take immediate action to prevent further incidents. Due to the obvious liability of such incidents, the Harman Center wanted to completely shut down bar service. But JT and I negotiated with them to suspend the service of alcohol for 30 mins. The intent was to give people time to sober up, let them dance and work off the alcohol, then resume bar service (cautiously) at 1:00am.

So at 12:30am the decision was made to suspend the service of alcohol. There were some misperceptions that the party had run out of alcohol at 12:30am. *But that was not the case*. Believe me, we have pleeeeenty of alcohol leftover.

Most people were OK with this 30 min suspension….but there were some who became rowdy and belligerent when denied alcohol. In the span of 10 mins we had 4-5 fights break out…and in at least 2 situations the bartenders were physically accosted for not serving alcohol. The Harman Center was obviously not happy with this.

Then in another act of billigerence, one of the glass decorations at the Harman Center was smashed. This was the coup de grace for the Harman Center, and at 12:45am they told us our event was terminated and our group had to leave. Though our contract with the Harman Center was until 2:00am, the Harman Center reserves the right to terminate the event should they feel things have gotten out-of-hand, and public safety threatened.

And so at 12:45am the announcement was made that our party had been terminated by the Harman Center, and we were being asked to leave. Though it was only the result of the actions of a few, unfortunately that’s how things like this get decided.

So at 12:45am we had 600 people descend on coat check. The coat check area was staffed by 3 people, which would have been plenty for the anticipated, gradual exodus of people from 1-2am. But the event being abruptly terminated at 12:45am, with 600 people all needing their coats at the same time, stressed the system. And as people became frustrated with the long wait, 2 more fights broke out, which had to be dealt with. We then brought in 6 more people to help staff the coat check area. And while this helped, it still wasn’t enough to handle the rush of 600 people all needing their coats at the same time. The coat check area become chaotic, and was frankly a nightmare.

It’s truly amazing that an event can go superbly for 3.5 hrs, and then absolutely crumble in the span of 30 mins. Further, it’s unfortunate that the actions of a few determine the consequences for the many. I hear it was a Full Moon last night, so perhaps that explains some of this.

Anyway, JT and I *truly* regret how last night’s events unfolded. And though it may not remedy last night’s unfortunate events, we at least wanted to get this email out so everyone understood why the party was terminated early, and how the coat check became so chaotic.